I TRIED OUT AND WAS REJECTED FOR EVERY SEASON OF “ALONE”
I TRIED OUT AND WAS REJECTED FOR EVERY SEASON OF “ALONE”
“Alone” is the greatest television show on Earth. Ten real-world survivalists are dropped off in the wilderness, completely isolated from each other, and film their own adventure. They are truly alone. Whoever stays the longest wins $500,000!
I tried out for the show but got rejected. According to the producers I have “no discernible survival skills and zero wilderness experience.”
Touchë.
Determined to gain the necessary experience I headed out alone into the wilderness with only the clothes on my back (and a notebook) (and a pen).
This is my running diary:
DAY 1
I am hungrier than I have ever been in my life. Will probably need to eat a bunch of worms and tree bark for brunch.
DAY 2
Built a temporary shelter. It’s not pretty and the roof leaks like hell, but it’s home.
DAY 3
Procured fish, thank god.
DAY 4
Ate too many fish bones. My stomach is full of fish bones. Had to lay down all day on account of the fish bones.
DAY 5
Winter is coming, but not sure when because I didn’t bring a calendar and I’m an absolute dud when it comes to math stuff.
DAY 6
Built a permanent shelter. It’s so much cooler than the temporary one. If you saw this shelter you’d be like “Whoah! That must be Mick Jagger’s house!”
DAY 7
The roof leaks like hell.
DAY 8
Super hungry again but nervous about eating more fish bones. Those fishbones really did a number on me.
DAY 9
Score! I thought it was more tree bark soup for dinner - but looks like I’m eating ribs instead!
DAY 10
The best part about eating ribs in the wilderness is that you don’t need a wet nap! The worst part is definitely the bones.
DAY 11
My neighbor, Larry, called the cops on me last night. I tried to explain to him that contestants are ALLOWED to keep whatever they scavenge so there shouldn’t be a problem with me scavenging the dry-rubbed baby back ribs from his grill. But unfortunately, Larry was born a dumbass.
DAY 12
Got into an argument with my wife, Dianne, about my job. I’m not sure why my boss, Hank, even called her in the first place. I told Hank that I wouldn’t be at work for a while. Dianne didn’t need to tell him I was camping in the backyard or threaten to leave me.
DAY 13
I am pretty worried about the inside of my stomach. It hurts real bad.
DAY 14
I was medically extracted by Dianne and taken to the hospital. The ER doctor diagnosed my stomach pain as “ingesting so many fish and rib bones that it’s a miracle you survived.” I asked Dianne if she was proud of me for that but she must not have heard me.
DAY 17
Was released from the hospital and am staying at my cousin Donald’s apartment by the highway. If the producers of “Alone” would just let me on the show I think Dianne would call off the lawyers and welcome me home. Until then, I guess I’m alone. Just me and my cousin Donald.